Beer Trouble Shooting Guide
SYMPTOM CAUSE ACTION
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. You have fallen over over backwards. Have yourself leashed to the bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen over forwards. See above.
Beer tasteless, front of you shirt is wet. Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred. Your looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another.
Room seems unusually dark. Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody crushing-looking.
Beer is crystal clear. It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was with them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted. The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song. Beer is just right. Play air guitar.
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